Saturday, June 1, 2013

{7QT} Freiken’ Chickens Edition

The edition wherein I give helpful “tips” about owning chickens. AKA: I convince you that it may just not be worth it after all. Also AKA: why those farm stand eggs cost so much. 

--- 1 ---
Chicks will die. They are really really cute at first, and not very hearty. Brace yourselves.
Very cute. Very fragile. 
--- 2 ---
Actual tip: Have everything prepared in advance of actually having the chickens. This would include appropriate housing for the chickens at each stage of their needy needy growth. Also includes fancy videographic equipment to record yourself chasing chickens around the yard so that you can make a viral YouTube video and become a millionaire—because it ain’t gonna happen by sellin’ those eggs.

Fancy housing for little chicks.
Tote w/ lid cut out and chicken wire attached w/ nuts & bolts.

--- 3 ---
Actual tip #2: A fishing net is THE BEST chicken catcher in the world.
{Bonus take} Actual text sent to my sister today: "I am about to attempt to catch my chickens using a fish net. Please pray to the patron saint of that for me to win without to much heartache." Patron Saint of Chickens, for the win! (Apparently St. Brigid of Kildare is the patron saint of chicken farmers. Chicken farmers hang her image on their coops!).

--- 4 ---
Own only so many chickens as you can devote 15 min/ea per day that they escape from your age-appropriate housing that you have prepared in advance. (Translation: all the days you own them.)This is known as the chicken:actual-time-you-have ratio of the farmer and is expressed by the equation:
where x=amount of time you will spend running around your yard like an idiot trying to catch your chickens (amusing for your neighbors!)and c=the number of chickens you are naïve enough to have purchased.

{Bonus take} Actual text sent to my sister today: "There is not enough chocolate for single motherhood to be a viable option in this world. Idk how they do it. Well, lemme rephrase. Idk how they would do it and have chickens." Translation: major props to you single moms out there. Steve's away on a trip right now, and this makes all the excitement with the chickens you know WAY MORE FUN (ha. ha. ha.). 

--- 5 ---
Actual tip #3: chickens are WAY WAY easier to catch once they have “roosted” for the night. They basically act as though they have had a few too many gin and tonics (gins and tonic?), and you can just pick them right up, saving yourself ALL KINDS OF TIME.

--- 6 ---
I haven’t had to buy any eggs from the store since whenever it was 
last summer that the chickens started to lay eggs. 

--- 7 ---
Chickens eat ticks. I loathe ticks. QED...

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