Why Bother?

Looking at a mom's life up close may be a dose of birth control for some, and rightly so. Loooong days and nights of infant non-sleep, toddler antics, pre-schooler vomit sessions, the monotony of redirection every 2.5 seconds, car-pool express lanes, and negotiating nap time--it's just not glamorous. 

So, why bother?

Pregancy isn't fun--even Kate Middleton gets criticized at every move of it--labor & delivery is a marathon of effort, and parenting "advice" is dispensed at the tip of every grocery store clerk and old man in the waiting room's tongue.

So, why bother?

You  might have a miscarriage. Your baby might have a birth defect or disorder. Your child might get deathly sick. Your child may die.

So, why bother?

You will be sapped for energy physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It will be "all joy, no fun" (as this book from Jennifer Senior puts it). It will be golden blissful moments buried under Legos, cheese sticks, nose-picking, and diapers. 

So, why bother?

It will be gross: spit-up, vomit, snot, poop, urine, rashes, more poop, more spit-up, more vomit. You'll probably gain weight.  You won't fit into your wardrobe most of the time because of the body changes. People will comment on your size, your haircut, your choice on anything about how you look.

So, why bother?

You won't get enough sleep, you won't eat properly, you'll neglect your hobbies, you'll slack on your exercise. You'll form crutches of sugar, caffiene, alcohol, or Twitter like nobody's business. You'll want a break and not get one for months.

So, why bother?

Why not?

It won't be as hard as you think. You'll have help from corners you'd forgotten. You'll become the expert. *You're* the mom.

So, why not?

It's not as bad as they'll tell you.  You'll have good days and bad days and medium days. You'll overcome obstacles and get things done anyhow. You'll rock your work, your school, your hobbies, your health (--at least some of the time!)

So, why not?

You can use your snark to create come-backs to the Official Board of Advice-Strangers.

So, why not?

Those little people really will be cute little stinkers--who say hilarious things, and do ridiculous things, and have the best logical little arguments for everything.

So, why not?

You'll get to brainwash impart your particular brand of crazy onto the next generation.

So, why not?

Everything worth doing, is worth doing work for. It will be hard, and you won't like it 100% of the time. You will cry, you will want to move to a foreign country by yourself.  You will hide in the bathroom to send witty (ha!) Tweets.

But you will be in awe of the job you have been given, the beautiful little persons you have taken part in creating.

You will get lots of hugs.

You will be loved.

So, why bother? Why not?

The Myth of Motherhood

Wow. There is a whole lot out there written about moms, isn't there?  Mom's are crazy,  mom's are mean, mom's are the best, mom's have it the hardest, being a mom is so rewarding, being a mom is beautiful, being a mom is dumb, working moms neglect their kids, stay-at-home moms are lazy. The range of things written about mom is absolutely no surprise,  because everyone in the world has a mom, and everyone in the world has an opinion.

And so do I!  Time to dust off the old soapbox again, methinks...

This video about how motherhood is the toughest job in the world has gone viral over the past week or so. Matt Walsh beat me to the punch and pointed out some of the flaws with the thoughts behind it.  He pointed out that being a dad is tough as well, that neither job is as tough as that ad for employment made it out to be, and that beyond these things, there is actual damage to portraying motherhood in this way (or, parenthood in general if we're being honest):

I’m all for being real with people, but all we accomplish is making otherwise fine young men and women utterly petrified of starting a family. They constantly hear that you’ll never sleep, your life is over, and you’ll never have fun again, unless you learn to define ‘fun’ as ‘poopy diapers and bankruptcy.’ And then we wonder why birthrates are plummeting? (--Matt Walsh)

So, what's the deal?

There are two extremes of the concept of "mother" being played out in today's society. On the one hand, being a mom is the super-hardest-toughest-most-overlooked position in society; mothers are trampled on, neglected, un-showered and lonely.

Exhibit A
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On the other end of the spectrum is SuperMom.  A woman so perfect, it's hard to look at her. She has 2.3 to 3.7 children, works part-time, or has a small home business, her house is immaculate, her children are well-behaved, her clothes are fashionable, and she never has a bad hair day. Ever.

Exhibit B.
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The problem with the two extremes is that nobody wants either one!  Who would vote to be a frumpy frazzled lady for life?  And who wants to try to meet Everest-ian expectations for everything? Nope. 

Not nobody. Not nohow.
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Now, nobody's kidding anyone here. Being a mom (a parent in general, of course!), is hard.  It is simply not a breeze all of the time. It is actual work. Motherhood is one of the most important jobs on the planet (despite what they say over there @The Guardian--srsly?! Srsly? :P), because you have the immense responsibility of introducing other persons to everything. It's your job to make sure they know how to react and interact and put on pants. All of that.

But motherhood is normal. Let's all say that again. Being a mom is normal. "Mom" is the job description for more people on the planet than anything else.  Seriously.

I once had a friend* ask me how I knew what to do with the boys, like, did I read books or something?  I had to stop and think about it.  I absorbed a lot of mothering information and style by growing up around a bunch of kids. My family isn't humongous by reality TV show standards, but there were always some cousins to babysit.  So, changing diapers, making lunches, and playing made-up games for hours were all, well, normal.  My family gave me the background to assume a lot of the responsibilities of mothering, and, most importantly, the attitude that I could be a mom: normal people are moms, I can do that.

Some of my former charges ;)

Now, I don't think you had to have been an all-star babysitter to be a mom, or even a great mom, but the situation has definitely been made more difficult by the attitude of many people today that I've illustrated above.  When people perceive motherhood (and fatherhood) as either slave-work or heroic, they are repelled from it, because most people are neither slavish nor think themselves heroes.  Add to this is the perception that children are a burden, and that multiple children is an undertaking bordering on insanity, and all of the sudden motherhood is a mystical enigma of epic proportions.

{side bar soapbox: why is it OK to judge other people's family size? Really?}

So, if you didn't grow up in a large family, or weren't babysitting cousins often, it's ok, really.  There are books to read, and blogs, and websites, and medical people, and Google--not to mention that your own mom and friends are a wealth of information.  And if you're ever really starving for advice, just show up at the grocery store with at least one child in tow. There are always experts in the grocery store line. ;)

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Folks, listen. There are several billion ways in this world to be a mom. Most of them are just fine. You can be employed a lot, or a little, or not at all.  You can breastfeed or bottlefeed, cloth diaper or use disposables.  You can obsess about the ingredients in the Kool Aid, or make your kids boxed Kraft mac n' cheese until they turn orange.  Go for it.

Being a mom is everything they say it is, and you can do it. The trials of toddlers and laundry, budgets and babies, the wondrous monotony of motherhood is normal, and it is good. Somewhere between the Frumpy-Frazz and the Super-Queen lies the truth of motherhood: you.  And lady, you've got this one.

Leo & Mama c. April 2011

*Special thanks to my dear friend for getting me to think about this stuff :)

5 Ways to Avoid Becoming My Patient

I haven't been a nurse for very long when I compare my career to some of the Pros out there, but I have learned a few things. One of the main ones is this: PREVENTION. With all of the sickness, chronic illness and emergency situations we've got out there, there is often a common theme: This Could Have Been Prevented (or, at least lessened to some degree). With this in mind, I sought the assistance and advice my dear friend Meredith, who is basically Wonder Woman: she's in the ER for work, and a Paramedic in her spare time:

This is what Mer looks like on the inside, under the scrubs.
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SO, without further ado (too late!) I present to you:

1. Don't be Stupid

Seriously, people. To quote Meredith: "if it seems like a bad idea, it probably is". A lot of injuries occur because people think things like "just for a second" or "that can't happen to me". It can, it will, and you will be in the ER with Wonder Woman piecing you back together again, because you were dumb enough to stick your hand into the snow blower. (Then again, maybe the ER with Wonder Woman isn't such a bad thing...)

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2. Just Stop

Smoking, drinking, eating crap all the time, not exercising etc. etc. etc. Just as the people above think "it'll never happen to me" before they go and do something dumb, so also do TONS of people think this about their long-term health choices. Some chronic health conditions have genetic components, or environmental factors, but even in those situations, YOU are the biggest piece of the puzzle. Yes, I am being a meanie here, but coronary artery disease doesn't just land in your lap one day: it takes years and years of poor decision-making regarding your health. Cardiac and pulmonary diseases aren't pretty. You are the one with the power over your choices, and you can decide now to make better ones. We are called to be good stewards of all the gifts God gives us; this includes our health and our bodies. 

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3. Educate Yourself

With the above in mind, if you are in a chronic health situation, or have a family history of a particular disease, or are a parent who will probably run into some health crises at some point (so...everyone): do some reading on the subject. Plain old Google searches will get you pretty far, although be careful about drawing too many conclusions without consulting your doctor:

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But in truth, even if you are in poor health, you shouldn't throw in the towel. There is a lot of benefit from making healthy choices now, and turning things around. Did your doctor tell you that your cholesterol levels are off? Is your blood pressure running high at every month's parish health check? Do some research and find out what you need to do to turn things around and stay ahead of the game.

4. Give Your Child the Motrin

This is a special PSA from Meredith. She says that 9 out of 10 times in the ER, she just has to give a sick/fevered child Motrin, make sure they can take in a Popsicle, and they are good to go home. This is encouraging, that there aren't more worse situations going on, but the point is that you can do those things at home and avoid the germ-y ER.  Don't wait to intervene for your child. If she is sick, or has a fever, keep her well hydrated and give the appropriate dose of Tylenol or Motrin. You can help to bring down a fever by applying cool cloths to the forehead or body, and by making sure her fluids aren't depleted: dehydration will cause/worsen fever. Of course, you should contact your baby's or toddler's pediatrician if you are concerned or have more serious issues.

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5. Think Ahead

This piece is in regards to being elderly, so it's for all of us, so long as we make it to age 65+ by following steps 1-4 (::wink::). You are eventually going to be frail, and unable to do a lot of the tasks that are mundane and easy right now. Plan ahead for some of the bigger questions:

-who is going to help you?

-what modifications need to be made to your home to make it safe for you to live in? (necessities on one floor, walk-in shower, wheel-chair accessibility)

-does someone close to you know your wishes for medical interventions?

Also plan some of the smaller things, like taking extra time to be safe. Don't go running down an icy set of stairs in ridiculous (or even sensible) shoes. Your hips might not lie, but they can break!

You can get pretty far with some common sense and an internet connection, but if you get into trouble, always remember to be nice to your nurse...she's the one with the needles!

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Don't Have Kids

In the height of wasting some time online the other night, I came across this gem, "28 Reasons You're Better off Never Having Kids".  [not rated G].

Allow me to get out my soapbox...

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...ok, here we go.

Now, I can fully grasp any number of serious reasons for not having children, and I can completely comprehend that a fulfilling life can be lead sans offspring, and I am well aware that some people are not ready, or not able to have children.

How-ever.

This piece, however playfully meant, does an injustice to parents and those without children alike.

It says to the childless: you can live as selfishly as possible.  You can sleep whenever you want. You can eat whatever you want. You can party, and have a cleaner home, and travel, and go to the bathroom alone, and have more money, and swear (yes, that was on the list...!) all on your own, as much as you would like, with no strings attached...just don't have kids.

And, just as callously, it says to the parents: your life sucks.

just your basic poster-children parents, right here...
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They are wrong, and they are wrong on both counts.  To be childless does not mean that you have any right to be a selfish, self-centered person with nothing better to do than take naps.  To be a parent does not mean that you have no enjoyments in life, and have given up on any indulgences, and all sleep or health. These things have more truism than truth to them.

I would argue, that the strings that children attach to us (heart-strings, if you will, as I'm trying to be dramatic...), are entirely worth it.  Children are everything that that silly internet fodder meme-list is saying they are. Children are annoying, they are messy, they are enormously inconvenient. They take up enormous, and often baffling amounts of time, energy, and money.

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And yet, that is the point.  The demands that our children make upon us take us outside of ourselves, and draw us closer to Heaven. 

heart-strings...

On the flip-side, it is offensive to think that folks with no kids are as shallow as that piece makes them out to be. The people in my life who are childless are in fact extremely generous souls.  One of my dearest friends has no children, and is one of the most mother-ly women I know, caring for her family, friends and community in countless ways.  Another childless friend pours what seems to be every waking minute into caring for those in medical crisis. Those without children are called to live selflessly in other ways, to highlight and bring about the good, the true, and the beautiful with the time, energy, and strength that we parents lack.

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God calls each person or couple to a certain life. He calls some to have 7 children. He calls some to have no children.  He calls no one to live for the self.  Each of us must pour out our lives, must lay down our selfishness, to make any progress.  It truly is "in giving that we receive, in dying that we are born to eternal life".  The death that St. Francis speaks of in that prayer must for certain be our death to self, for that is what Christ did for us.