The one about the SNAKE!

Wherein I am la-la-la-ing along
...and there is a SNAKE in MY HOUSE!

     So, last night I am calmly typing up my Fashion-ista blog post, staying up late (it's about midnight at this point...the proverbial witching hour of blog writers), because the boyos are *finally* in bed after a looong afternoon of self-induced Momma-torture (aka trying to get errands done), and Steven is out of town for work, when out of the corner of my eye I see a slithery thing. A thick-snakey-looking-tail thing. Oh. My. Lord. (Repeat this last line about 7 times for effect and truthfulness).

Like the millenial I am, what did I do? I texted my sister:

Me: THERE IS A FRIEKING SNAKE IN MY HOUSE.

Mags: Oh God. Oh dear God. What kind?
Me: IDK!! Slithery

Mags: Put a bucket over it.
Me: AHHHHHH

Mags: Ahhhhhhh
Me: It is hiding. Under the couch?
Mags: Oh no.
Me: Ahhhhhh...It looked fat. AHHHHH! WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?
...and then also...
Mags: Are there poisonous snakes in Ohio? Is it green?
Me: I am going to arm myself with something heavy...

Eventually my sister got my brother to call me and talk me through it/down. He was a very good Eagle Scout. He got me to put on my rubber boots, and get the dog to come in and have a look. Max was useless, and he probably had ticks on him. I hate ticks probably more than I hated the snake in the house. So, Max was kicked out, but Charlie, beautiful black whiney-cat that he is, found the snake for me. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM BEHIND ME!
So, I chased the snake around and underneath and behind heavy furniture,

Actual photo of the real snake in the house that I took
for identification/bragging rights purposes.
Mostly bragging rights, who am I kidding?

wielding a broom and a flashlight and a cast-iron skillet. Wearing the outfit from my fashion-ista blog post, and my rubber boots. I'm so stylish. I looked like this:

GET ALL THE SNAKES!!!

But I felt more like..."umm...no thanks." Meanwhile, Jono is asking me key identification questions, and confirming for me that this is probably a harmless Black Rat Snake that likes to eat mice. Wonderful.  

http://www.oplin.org/snake/fact%20pages/rat_snake_black/rat_snake_black.html
"For people who have mastered their surprise or fear of
seeing snakes free in nature, this is a very graceful and attractive animal."
Yeah. Right.

 So what happened? I chickened out on my 2-3 chances to step. on. the. snake. and catch it...and then it slithered away through a heating vent opening in my floor. Right. It's probably just hanging out in the vents...climbing all over the house, ready to pop out at any moment...all I can say is:

Bring it, Snakey.